Check it out, you got kids, and that’s your thang. Maybe your religion said you couldn’t abort them or stuff or maybe you thought the guy would stick around and that’s crazy cuz they never do. Whatever, you’re a mom now and you got screamers in tow to take care of so here is my advice on how to do it.

I’m on the younger side and I don’t have any kids of my own but that so doesn’t matter. I learned all my brain can hold from the best mom this side of San Diego, and she tells me stuff so I know what’s really real and going on.

So you know how it goes right? You do what you do and maybe when you do it, if you do it to the right reasons. I don’t care, and don’t comment on this just read.

Some kids is mature and some adults wear diapers so don’t be too quick to judge just do your best. Don’t spank kids but spank men, but only when they ask for it (and really mean it for reals, Nt my thing but some guys get mad on it so it can’t all be bad.)

Don’t sweat car seats:

When you was kids you didn’t have car seats. My mom told me there were like six of them in the back seat running around and they all did good except uncle Denny who lost that weird eye in a fender bender. Creepy eye, needed to be lost, doesn’t matter. Britney got busted by the photographers for not having kids in car seats but they’re all still OK today so it worked out fine didn’t it?

Let the dad take them sometimes:

Britney proved this better than anybody. She still gets her kids even today but she doesn’t have to hire a babysitter to watch them as long as she’s got that sucky backup singer/dad to sit around and keep them in the binkies while she lives it up at the clubs with other guys. Do that, it’s super healthy.

Pay almost no child support:

If you can’t get a man to pay the child support, but he’ll take the kids all the time, you gotta pay him, but you don’t gotta pay him much. Britney makes $800,000 a month, but she pays K-Fed like $20,000 per kid. Yah he’s getting good money but it’s nothing. It’s pennies on her way mad dollars and no looking back. If you’re on welfare and make $400 a month, tell the judge you’ll pay $10 a month, it’s the same thing You’re the mom, you’ll prolly get it.

Smoke if you’re rich:

Nothing prettier than a young, beautiful corpse. To hell with dying old, go out with a bang and call it good. Smoking is so sweet with the sticky tar that powder coats your lungs with love, and it feels good too and looks cool. If you are a mom and want to smoke, do it, nobody is going to stop you even if you have like wicked asthma.

But how do you know you’re ready to have that kid?

You got a man who wants to do it in you, you’re ready aren’t you? Jerkfricks said Britney wasn’t ready but she’s the best mom this side of the mountains. You have a burn to get a baby (not other burns, those might be a problem) then you ready.

I been on the streets since pretty much I don’t know how long and I had some pretty good guys spotting me when I was super young. Nice guys, mostly AA dudes and that’s cool, but I learned from about the time I grew some grass on the field that having grass on the field is no way to play the game.

I got fuzzy and dudes got all kinds of creeped out and I was in no place to understand the damn thing. It killed me cuz I didn’t do anything wrong and I was still scrubbing my under-crotch as thorough as ever but it wasn’t about that.

So how come my Y-stretch wasn’t commanding the same money as before? More than not commanding it some of my best dads disappeared on me and my referrals dropped off stupid big like nobody’s business, sure as hell not my business and Joey was still asking me for his cut even though I didn’t have the money to pay him from. He only took most of it so him asking for money I didn’t have just about snuffed me into film.

Lucky for me, I called and called to talk to my best girl Britney. She didn’t answer of course (she’s way too busy as usual) but she did give me a sign. Few days later she went into the tabloids with a full va-jay-jay shine and I understood.

She’s so much older than me, she has to be in puertown by now, so she must be shaving, so I tried it myself. I didn’t know what I was doing so I bled like I did on my first adult month except from my outside area. I thought about it, weighed it (didn’t weigh my labialips or anything, I’m just saying I didn’t weight my options as much but I did.) No worries, I looked at my girl Britney (saw her clammy toes and read the message) and fingered out what she’s all about and took it into and onto myself.

So I flicked m Bic and cut the piney woods back to new growth and my money went right back through the roof, and God smiled upon my smile and saw that it was goooood.

If you have a Va-Kitty and wanna consider your mufferous status, look at the jammy camel of Britney in any of your favorite tabloids and recognize the message. She says you gotta trim it down and make it pretty as a bizzle, and you can make more money, get more men to love it better (without throat floss embarrassment) and make men munch your muff with unbelievable fury and fervor, trim that kitty like it’s about to get fixed.

That’s why I trim the SZ out of my F’ing C-spot (or G-Spot, but I haven’t found that just yet. I will tho, I swear.)

Wanna know all abouts? Yeah, can’t blame you, I’m pretty awesome and if you ever read my blog you so know it. Kewl!

I’m 14 years old, I live on my own (yeah, you read it, I’m an indipendint woman) and I’ve been holding my own since I was 11. Know it’s messed but it’s what the cards that God gave me. Just proves he’s a dick but I still pray to him (or at least call out his name when the mood moves me if you no what I mean.)

I live in Longbeach Cali, usually pretty close to the beach but sometimes pretty far out. My home goes in an out with the tides (or other things that go in and out, but whavev!)

And if you wanna know something about me you have to know I AM BRITNEY SPEARS FREAK!

We are friends, kind of but not close. She gives me advice and helps me no how to live my life, and tho she’s got some trouble I still love her and I’m there for her too. If anything happened to her I would so be there for her and she has to know that. I’m not on voice dial maybe but still.

Tho this site is all and way about Britney I can’t say she officially endorses it. Sure she’s my girl and I love her but it’s prolly the lawyer guys that keep us apart. No thang. You know she totally would approve it if she wasn’t all 5150′d in the hospital (total BS, she’s not crazy).

Not saying I’m going to burn it down while you’re sleeping or anything, just saying you should sleep with two eyes open, and maybe not with your damn wife who you said you were broken up with but I know you aren’t. Seriously man, if you’re reading this, do the right thing and pick up the phone and give your best baby a call. I’m still here for you. I can love you if you let me. You already had that unbelievable night with me where we smoked of the glass pipe. You think that was something strange? It wasn’t. That night was pure you + me = sexual passion.

I can be your baby girl. Let’s just do this. Leave your damn wife and let’s get real with our future

This song is about being powerful and being right and being empowered and how it’s not just OK to be a stripper, but it’s a good thing and it’s what Britney recommends. You gotta do what you gotta do to make the money but if you wanna make a guy give you more you gotta do what it takes to make them give you more.

[Spoken]It’s Britney Bitch (It is so you better recognize how great she is)
I see you, (She knows me, she sees me, she gets me)
And I just wanna dance with you (Powerful women can empower themselves by stripping)

Every time they turn the lights down (in the strip club, natch)
Just wanna go that extra mile for you (it’s a good way to make money if you do the extra stuff)
Public display of affection (a strip club is a public place, yo!)
Feels like no one else in the room but you (I know from Britney and my girl Houston that you say this stuff to make the guy feel special and pay you top bucks.)

[Bridge:]
We can get down like there’s no one around (in the VIP area or champagne room for the right price)
We keep on rocking, we keep on rockin’ (that’s later when the money is right and you wanna)
Cameras are flashing while we’re dirty dancing (it’s OK to do porn if the money is right)
They keep watching, keep watchin’ (on live webcam or in a member ship web site)
Feels like the crowd was saying

[Chorus:]
Gimme Gimme more (Money)
Gimme more (respect too becuz I’m not just meat)
Gimme gimme more [x4] (saying it 4 times means it’s totally true)

The center of attention, even when we’re up against the wall (in the strip club)
You got me in a crazy position (uh huh) (you should see the moves I’ve learned and you can for cash)
If you’re on a mission (ooh) (missionary position or mission to finish yourself off in the bathroom)
You got my permission oh (since your cash is green, my pink is mean)

[Bridge]
[Chorus (x4)] (Just proves how serious she is about this)

[Spoken]
I just can’t control myself, more (but I can control you and sometimes I can’t control myself because I might be late for work or get too jacked to do the job right)
They want more? (it’s a retortical question, of course they do)
Well I’ll give them more, ow! (The ow means sometimes it hurts but you still have to do it if you gonna get the money to your landlady or boyfriend)

[Chorus (x4)] (She’s way serious about it)

Gimme more gimme more
Gimme more gimme more babe (calling dudes babe makes the tips come rolling in)
I just want more (money, clothes, nose candy and whatever you got)

Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme [x4] (Filler, really, but she totally owned the song so it’s way OK)

I know what’s the what-what and Britney told me so I so know it’s all kinds of good. My life isn’t so different from Britney Spears, and I know because she talks to me and we work it out and I get by from it all.

Date the Richest:

Find somebody who makes good money, even that Osama “Sam” joker from the paparazzi and latch on for dear life. He had o-dark-cool money and him keeping her the top of tabloidlines was perfect. He brught pills to the table (all over the table, according to some reports) but what he really did was sell more records, and she took it. Big money is big money baby.

It’s like that guy Jake I dated for a while. He had a good job and bought me all kinds of clothes and took me out to dinner all the time. I got some jewelry and found out he was married. Whatever, I knew we didn’t have a future and I made even more money once I fingered it out so he paid me to keep my mouth shut (for the fist time since we were dating) and it’s all good.

Date the Hottest:

If you have a K-Fed (yuk) or J-Timb (yummy gay) on the hook, take that John money and pay it to get the real rocks off on the sly all you got to. What would you pay to have a guy like Justin, even if he is as queer as Lance Bass? A lot, that’s how much. Get that action when it happens. Date hot, date heavy, and pay what you have to. No big whatever. Think of it as an investment

Snort the Sweetest:

If you’ve got a line in front of you, doesn’t matter who bought it, harf it up and quick too. What else do you want me to say about this?

Be Responsable:

If you have kid you have to be a good person. If you have a job you should go sometimes. If you have an old aunt that never had kids you need to be there so she knows you’re all about her (or her estate LOL!) so don’t ruin the good things you have going.

Live it large, live it crizzazy!:

Don’t sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things. ROFLCOPTER!ELENTYONE!ONE!EXCLAMAIONTPOINT?) Do what you do, do it on the sly if you can, but if you can’t then you’s better does it on page one, am I right?

Cornclusion:

I conclude. Jess that and that’s that. You read it. You need more than read it again.

So a few weeks back I was with this guy I met at the gas station. I was buying my phone card to pay for my cell phone and I was short and he paid for it because I’m short, but I was short to pay for my card. He was so nice and he spotted me the two bucks I was missing to buy it.

He was old and not too gross or anything. He’s like 40 something (he said he was 35 but I later found out that isn’t true) and he said he was a record producer. I sing so it worked out good but I should have figured it out when I got in his 1996 Mazda 626 that something was wrong. Record producers drive Escalades, right? They so do, not old busted Japacrap, am I right?

Anyways I let him snack on my biscuit and I totaled mowed on him too but he never gave me his phone number or anything and he tried to disappear. Nice try Kevin “Moe Townsend” Waterston from Seal Beach, I know who you really are you bastard. You don’t let me into your life because I know you’re married, so you want to dance with this devil, let’s play baby, I got anger on tap for you byotch!

Since my new guy friend fingerd out where he lives I went to his house and banged on his windows, but then somebody turned lights on and I went next door and hid. The damn 5-0 came out in like a minute so I had to hide in the neighbors bushes in the backyard for like three hours until I thought they were gone. Made out like nothing, so F U Kevin, I’m watching you and your damn wife and kids. I swear to God you’re going down, so let us hope nothing bad happens to your car or house or anything, you know?